Something pretty intense happened to me two weeks ago.
And honestly? I’m a little scared to tell you about it.
Like somehow sharing these words will make it more real.
But I really want to be better about sharing what’s going on behind the scenes, better about letting you in to what this process has been like for me.
I want to try and help you see behind the curtain a bit, behind the beautifully-and-meticulously-polished weekly releases of The 52.

So here goes nothin’.

Two weeks ago on Monday, David and I had the piano tuned to kick off a week of recording. This was the last week of the intermission of The 52, and we had lots of music ready to record. I had 11 tracks ready to go, and was hoping to write a few more over the course of the week after I had those first 11 ‘in the can’.

It’s springtime in New Zealand, and the birds were CRAZY loud during the day. There was even a blackbird that would come perch on the fence outside the window by the piano, singing to me as I played. I could actually see him LOOKING at me, wondering what on earth was going on inside this human house. …I’m sure this happens all the time, but of course when I’m recording I suddenly become hyper-aware of all these little details (and all the little chirps and background noises that go with them). So we ended up really buckling down to record on Monday night, after the birds had ceased their cheeping and tucked themselves in for bed.

A few takes into recording the first song, my left ear began ringing. It got louder and louder, and so I decided to take a break. After about twenty minutes the ringing had completely faded and I went back to the piano and tried again. It came back. After a few rounds of this, realizing it was getting late and we have housemates to be considerate of, I decided to push through to try and get a second and third track recorded. By the time we had a few takes of the third track, the ringing in my ear was grating and rough, vibrating in time with my playing and nearly causing me physical pain. I had to stop. 

The next day, the ringing was gone but we were well aware it might come back, so I decided to be extra careful. I HAD to get the edit together for release #28 (Lost to the Siren) that day. I’d just recorded the song the night before, and it was important to me to get it done so I could have as MUCH spooky music ready to release in October as possible. I planned to work on and finish the edit during the day, and then we could have a big, healthy recording session after dark. There is a LOT of careful listening in the editing process, and I am VERY meticulous – editing a track for me usually takes hours. And it did. At very low volume. In fact, I even called in outside ears to listen at louder volume to make sure I wasn’t missing something in my listening process. Even at the lower volume though, I could feel a bit of discomfort building in my ears and needed to take frequent breaks as the ringing started up again. That night, we recorded four more tracks. I took lots of breaks, but I honestly probably pushed through more discomfort and ringing than I should have. By the end, the ringing was painful and loud, but I felt triumphant that we had stayed on top of our recording schedule and would be able to move on to more pieces the next evening.

When I woke up on Wednesday morning, the ringing was still going and it was nearly deafening. I’ve had tinnitus on and off, here and there, but I’ve NEVER woken up with ringing in my ears before. It was uncomfortable and terrifying, and I was sensitive to loud sounds of any kind. I was having a hard time understanding female voices, and David and I knew I needed to get to the doctor as soon as possible. We doctor-hopped all afternoon on Wednesday, and a thorough hearing study revealed that I had experienced a phenomenon called ‘Sudden Sensorineural Hearing Loss’. I had a moderate/severe hearing loss in the upper registers in my left ear, and the ringing was non-stop.

The thing about SSHL is doctors often can’t pinpoint exactly what the cause was, and it’s common for people to never recover their lost hearing. The ear ringing often never goes away, and is something that a person has to adjust to. My doctor put me on a high dose of a powerful steroid called Prednisone, which I must say has had the most NIGHTMARISH side effects. But it’s the only known treatment to help. This week has been a bit better, but the first week of treatment I honestly spent what energy I had just SURVIVING this medicine. The ringing in my ears continues, sometimes louder, sometimes slightly less, but ever-present since that fateful Tuesday evening two weeks ago. 

This has been really, really hard. And I wanted to share with you so you know what I’m going through right now.
I’m sensitive to loud sounds.
I can’t play the piano without ear plugs and the soft pedal down, and even then the ringing gets uncomfortably loud after about five minutes (which is honestly probably a sign that I shouldn’t be doing it right now as I may be risking further damage to my hearing).
I can’t really listen to music at all, though I’m pushing through and doing the minimum necessary to get my weekly edits done for The 52 because it’s important to me and I made a promise to you and I have so much music in my heart I want to share with you.

I’m crying as I type this.
I may never get my hearing back.
I may never live without this constant ringing again.

I may never…be able to tolerate my piano at its normal volume again.

…………….

And the F-ING PREDNISONE has me up and down and jittery and depressed and rage-y and weak and exhausted and completely lacking energy and dizzy and vague and confused and blurry-eyed and lacking coordination. Yes, all of that and more even. It’s been a nightmare. But less of a nightmare than losing my hearing, so…there’s that.

…………….

BUT (there is a but) – my doctor believes the Prednisone is actually helping. She’s seen a weird surge of cases like this in the past month, and she actually believes there’s a virus going around that is causing it. She’s seen 3 of her 4 other patients with this recover their hearing. It’s Wednesday today, and I have a follow-up hearing study on Friday and an appointment with an ear specialist. I’ll let you know how it goes.

In the meantime, I love you.
I wanted to tell you.
It just took me a few weeks to figure out how.